Bodybuilder Marries Sex Doll – Are You Kidding Me?

The world ain’t what it used to be. There was a time, not too long ago, when bulls were bulls, mares were mares, and roosters didn’t try to lay eggs.

The last several decades have seen great advances in technological innovation from the invention of the internet (thanks, Al Gore!) to the Toyota Prius, Facebook, camera phones, the DNA-editing technology of CRISPR (hello, dystopian future!), and last but not least sex robots.

On the second thought, many of these “advances” made the world measurably worse (see: Facebook) or at least more annoying (see: Prius drivers). Maybe humans should cool it with new tech tinkering for half a century. At our current pace, humans will be laying eggs, live-streaming our thoughts, and powering our cars with farts in ten years’ time (forget Apple, buy stock in beans!).

But let’s talk about the most apocalyptic of these recent “ground-breaking” technological developments: yes, we’re talking about sex robots.

American comedian and bona fide Masshole Bill Burr addresses the dilemma of sex robots neatly in his 2019 stand-up special Paper Tiger (you can find on Netflix – which, along with NFL RedZone, is maybe the one technological bright spot since the advent of the new millennium).

Essentially, what Burr says is that while blowup dolls are considered creepy and weird, many people are quietly intrigued by the idea of sex robots.

“You mean I can make it do ANYTHING I want?”

Burr warns us that if sex robots become too good at their jobs, it’s only a matter of time before humanity stops making babies and we become an endangered species. At that point, the sex robots will take over and, if we’re lucky, they’ll keep 30 of the remaining humans on earth in a zoo somewhere and force us to copulate like sexless pandas in captivity.

Burr may be joking, but no one was laughing when a bodybuilder from Kazakhstan married a sex robot this past week.

(OK, I was laughing; feel free to laugh yourself after you tame the urge to vomit.)

Marrying a sex robot in a Las Vegas-style shotgun wedding after a bender is one thing, but the most bizarre aspect about this whole episode is how premeditated the official union was: The bodybuilder, Yuri Tolochko, who describes himself as a “sexy maniac,” apparently “dated” the sex robot for eight months before “proposing” to it a year ago in December 2019.

This was no whirlwind romance. Yuri has had a full 18 months since “meeting” his sex robot friend to contemplate his decision.

One wonders if his mother is on board with sex robot grandchildren.

Since their engagement, Yuri has shared photos on Instagram of him and his sex robot fiancée taking bubble baths and vacationing in the Caribbean with clinically-insane hashtags such as #ideal_relationship, #true_love, and #happy_wife_happy_life. We can thank Instagram, another recent technological “innovation,” for helping to validate Yuri’s mental illness.

“Couples need to talk less and connect more. With time and experience, Margo and I realized that it takes more than words to have a conversation,” wrote Yuri in one social media post. In other words, he likes having sex with a plastic mannequin that doesn’t ask him to pick up after himself.

He added: “Your partner sure deserves the best, but they have to do their part.”

OK, this is getting weird.

Yuri met his sex robot wife in a nightclub, where he “rescued” it from some “unwanted attention.”

The only requirements for a wedding to take place in Kazakhstan are that both consenting partners have to be male and female over 18 years old.

One hopes that this incident inspires Kazakhstan legislators to rewrite some laws and that Yuri finds the psychiatric help he clearly needs.