McDonald’s Ice Cream Machine Conspiracy Gets Cracked by the Feds…America Spoke…They Listened

The last couple of years have rained down one crisis after another and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight. The three strongest heavyweights in the revolt against humanity are immigration, COVID-19, and the Biden administration’s bungling of America’s exit from a 20-year war. Some hardcore bible-thumpers are gearing up for Armageddon. They believe these three crises are representative of three of the four horsemen from the book of Revelation. If they’re correct we better all start saying our goodbyes because the fourth rider just showed up. The day of reckoning is upon us. Amen.

When is the last time you walked into a Mcdonald’s restaurant on a scorching hot day with your mind focused on an ice-cold Flurry only to have your dreams crushed by the words, “Sorry the ice cream machine ain’t working?” “What else can I get ya?” If you’re any kind of an American patriot at all you’ve experienced this deflating bordering on debilitating experience.

Don’t go thinking it’s just your local McDonald’s piss-poor management that doesn’t give two hoots about their sweaty patrons getting the critical relief they need. This almost conspiracy-looking occurrence is happening nationwide and the employees are in on it. It’s been said that new employees are forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement promising not to tell customers that the dust-laden machines will never be fixed, and once someone lands a hard-to-get job like that, mums the word. No risks are taken and who can blame them?

This is no laughing matter. After finally hearing the pleas of millions of desperate Americas yearning to be flurried, the federal government has stepped up to the plate in an all-out effort to save what’s left of the McDonalds we once knew. A shady source informed us that Congress has allocated billions in emergency funds to knock the fourth rider out of his saddle before it’s too late. We can only hope they’re doing enough.

The U.S. Federal Trade Commission, in a last-ditch effort to avoid a full-scale war with the restaurant’s thousands of rebellious dissident franchisees, tried a diplomatic approach by sending them letters saying they were simply “seeking information on what, exactly, is going on with the broken ice cream machine problem.” But this only served to place them on high alert.

The FTC is refusing to share the replies they’ve received with the media under the premise of it being classified information not intended for public view. If this isn’t enough to scare the holy bejeezus out of you you’re either brain-dead or idiotically fearless. We’re personally shaking in our boots.

None of the higher-ups at McDonald’s are talking and it’s thought to be the direct result of a strict order from Ronald himself. When he speaks, they listen. Or else… There’s a side to him only they ever see.

In all reality though, the problem with the ice cream machines may have been identified so we can all breathe a bit easier. A company called Kytch talked the big wigs into letting them install a device on all of the machines that would indicate what the problem was when one of them quit working. In most cases, the device would enable employees to be able to get the machine back up and running quickly without calling in maintenance. It made sense.

But… It’s been suggested that the company designed some type of code in the device’s system that would cause the machines to break beyond the capability of employees or managers to fix. And it happened a lot. So much that franchisee owners got tired of the headaches and the added expense and just started letting the things stay broken. Until the people spoke…

This plus one more very important factor is under intense scrutiny, and as has been thus far discovered, for very valid reasons. On occasion, such as every single night, the machines must be cleaned. Algae, mold, and unrecognizable gunk tend to clog them up. And now you know…more than you probably wanted to. Bottoms up. If the machine’s working.